Why buy today's Telegraph?

According to the Telegraph's front page, these articles are its selling points.

• Hollywood betrays Miss Marple (Alison Pearson, so you wouldn't have wanted to read it anyway)
• Secret of a perfect Bloody Mary
• Back-to-work incentives will test Cameron's strength
• How Henry VIII was dressed to kill (no, I didn't make that up)
• Speed of the internet leaves me in the slow lane (Bryony Gordon, who is stuck there for ever).

So why do I buy it?