Warning: nanny wants to infantilise you again

There's a heatwave coming, we're told. It will last ... ooh, a good few days.

The Chief Medical Officer has warned of an increase in deaths in times of hot weather. (Actually very cold weather kills more people than very hot weather, but let that pass.)

Baffled by heat? Here's some official advice:

Keeping the home as cool as possible during hot weather and remembering the needs of friends, relatives and neighbours who could be at risk is essential.

The elderly and those who are ill, are particularly vulnerable during hot weather and the most oppressive conditions occur in our towns and cities.

Windows should be kept shaded and closed when the temperature is hotter outside than inside.

People with respiratory problems should stay inside during the hottest part of the day.

And if anyone is worried that their home or that of a relative or neighbour is too hot they should contact their local environmental health officer!

Other advice in the government's heatwave plan (sic), the BBC tells us, includes to drink cold drinks like water or fruit juice regularly and avoid tea, coffee and alcohol.

Don't forget to breathe. And don't fulminate about money wasted on infantile guidance, it can be bad for your blood pressure, so keep those statins at hand. Get some nice fresh air, but don't expose yourself to the sun. A burka is particularly recommended for screening yourself from the sun.

I made that last paragraph up. Unbelievably, all the rest is true.